The Rarest Jewel

Even though I was only eight years old, I remember that first time my conscience bothered me. Just the fact that I still remember it this many years later, attests to the impact it had on me. Mom had come to me and said she had a question. I followed her into my parent’s bedroom on the upper level of our old farmhouse. She pointed to a small burned area on the top of their blond dresser.

“DeLila, can you tell me anything about this?”

I was caught off guard. I had no idea that my shenanigans a couple of days earlier had left a burned area, the size of a nickel. But then, I remembered the kitchen door had squeaked and I had thrown the match down and ran lickity split to my room. My stomach somersaulted at Mom’s question. I panicked. My parents were fair disciplinarians but maybe there was a way out of discipline all together. Almost before I knew it, I had lied. I wouldn’t say it came easy…but it spilled out, none the less.

“No, maybe Dave knows,” I said faster than it takes to strike a match. ( I would know.) My hope was that Mom would consider my suggestion seriously and go in search of Dave, leaving me a way to escape, never to be found again.

But, of course, Dave didn’t know anything. I had intentionally performed my crime so that no one would see me. Dad was in the field; Mom and Dave were in the garden. Connie was napping in her crib. I knew the squeaky kitchen door would function as an alert system for anyone coming into the house.

My parents may have suspected that I had lied, but they didn’t press the issue. I guess you could say I got away with it. But, I didn’t feel like I had gotten away with anything. Punishment from my parents was withheld, but my mind failed to let me forget what I had done. Not only had I put our house in jeopardy, but now I had lied on top of it. I had nightmares that the house burned down. I imagined that my parents didn’t love me as much anymore, because they suspected I’d lied. Shame and guilt took residence in my little eight year old heart.

Unfortunately, maintaining a clear conscience is not just a child problem. Temptations are always knocking at our doors. As adults we can be tempted to lie on our taxes, cheat on our spouses, accept the extra change the clerk gives back, stretch the truth on our resumes, watch movies we know corrupt our minds, and who knows what else. We pay a price for these things.

Charles Spurgeon, the great 1800’s English preacher makes this appeal: Never sacrifice your conscience. Lose all rather than to lose your integrity, and when all else is gone, still hold fast to a clear conscience as the rarest jewel that can adorn the human heart.

I certainly sacrificed my conscience the day I lied. I didn’t know at that age what to do about it, once it was done. But Healthline.com recommends that I would have been better off if I had followed these steps:

1. Taken responsibility for what I did.
2. Expressed remorse and regret without letting it turn into shame.
3. Committed to making amends for any harm I caused.
4. Practiced self-acceptance and trusted myself to do better in the future.

Although I am not proud of how I handled that situation, the experience did provide me with valuable insight into what was important to me. I never wanted to succumb to a temptation again that would pave a path to experience the emotions of guilt and shame that caused me so much turmoil. I don’t think it’s out of line to say that the experience I had as an eight year old formed a large portion of my character today.

It’s freeing to me to know I can learn from my mistakes and I can actually become a better person because of them. Not all is lost if I don’t waste the experience.

Until next time – keep on readin’ and I’ll keep on writin’.

That gem that Charles Spurgeon speaks about is a very precious stone.